My love post

I wonder if I will go through different type of relationship with my boyfriend very soon. Starting this August, he will resign from his office and he does not extend his stay in his kosan which means he will be spending most of his time in Solo, which means I will probably get less than 50% of his time. I’ve never been through that kind of thing. My last long distance was between America and Belgium and it lasted less than 4months because I thought it was pointless. With my boyfriend right now, it is hard to be sure what is gonna happen with us in the future, like whether or not we will be together forever. I certainly hope we will, but, time can do so much. While I’m not sure about the certainty, I’m sure that he cannot be there beside me all the entire time. It means I can’t always ask for a lunch mate, for us to cuddle every day, for him to call and text me all the time. We have a different plan after graduation. I want to continue my study, either in Yogyakarta or abroad, meanwhile he plans to go to Jakarta, pursuing his dream to seat as a bureaucrat, he says it will be either in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, or in ASEAN secretariat, or wherever as long it is part of government. Jakarta is his dream, but Jakarta is my nightmare. I once thought that I will try to suit myself on his will. For example if he really wants to work in Jakarta, then I might follow him whatever the risk. But then again I’m not so sure. I decided that marriage is a long way to go, I don’t even think that it crosses his mind. So I guess I just have to live for today. Or if I really want to think about our future, it should be the closest future which means what is going to happen this month. Well, what is going to happen? I’m not sure. I am always this clingy girlfriend who wants to see the boyfriend everyday, I crave for affection, both mentally and physically. It is my second day not hearing anything from him. He goes to South Korea, and internet just not available that much here in my KKN place. So I guess we will not be able to contact each other at least for fifteen days straight. I’ve been in the same condition when I was in Zamboanga City, at the time I was so frustrated that I decided to phone call him through my cell phone. I was able to hear his voice for one minute before I ran out of credits. So I was very much refusing the condition that we cannot be together or talk to each other. Everyday I counted the days for me to go back to Yogyakarta, everyday I stared at his picture that I brought along with me, hugged it to sleep. When I was in America last month, I did the same thing. I managed to skype with him almost everyday, and I would not start my schedule without leaving him a direct message on twitter. He probly did not care, that’s him, a great man but he still is a man.

But this time is different. Indeed I miss him. I went through our picture folder this morning and laughed to our silly pictures, and adored on how cute he is and I was. But then I was surprised that I was actually able to go through my day very well. I wasn’t annoyed that I haven’t heard from him all day. Maybe partly it was because I don’t have many choices. I can always borrow an internet from my friend, with a modest connection of course. But I chose not to, because I just don’t feel like it. It was enough to ask my friend to check him out on twitter once, just to know that he had arrived safely in Seoul, then I don’t wanna know more than that. It is maybe because I guess stalking him further will only make me miss him even more, but I guess it could also because I feel like I don’t need to. He is a big guy, he can take care of himself, and I’m sure that he is now having times of his life. So, why worry? It turns out that I don’t need him around every second for me to breath.

I can’t say that the level of romanticism is related with the level of maturity. But for most people, love bird is always a start of a relationship, when you have to satisfy your couple through sweet words, sometimes unnecessary attention. As we grow older, like our parents, it is enough to know that you love each other. Of course you still care about each other, giving each other surprises and affections, but there are no more constant texting and phone calls, no more clingy attitudes. Am I going to that level? I am not so sure. But I wish I do, because he is not always gonna be around from now on, and I want to make things work.

August 7, 2012


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